I debated adding something like this to my blog, but the whispering call of a couple of cheap bottles of Arbor Mist dictates that I once again strive towards personal honesty. And so herein follows another new category. A rougher category. A less refined category. After a night of drinking wine and playing Smite with some old friends online, I have been left to my own devices. Here are my raw emotions and thoughts as I feel them now.
I have been more optimistic lately. I tried to convey that in my last post, but I am not sure how successfully I did so. Overall, my mood has been much, much improved. The deep depression I felt in May 2017 that led me to creating this blog feels like a distant memory. In making the decision to allow myself to transition, I have set myself free, and if I ever make this blog public, I hope that my example is one which inspires another to allow themselves to take the same steps. In a weird way, being transgender is awesome, if only because it allows me to be truly authentic for the first time in my 28 years on this earth.
But that is not to say that being transgender does not suck in its own way. It truly, truly does. As I stated ages ago in my first (and so far, only) On Politics post, I hate the idea of being the one example of “trans person” that people know. I hate being different, an “other”. I hate second guessing myself so frequently, and I hate, hate seeing myself in the mirror. Still, though, more than anything, I hate feeling so alone. In this sense, I guess little has changed,
I hate allowing myself to succumb to nihilist tendencies, but in moments like this, it’s hard not to think again and again that “we are born alone, and we die alone”. People come and go to walk beside us briefly on our individual journeys, but they never cease to be just that: individual journeys.
Not another soul can possibly know every intricacy of how I have experienced the priceless gift of life I have been given, just as I can never fully understand the life of another. But that does not preclude me from an instinctive desire to try and make others understand: I guess that is what led me to write this blog in the first place. Like everyone else who has been born on this earth, I just want to be understood.
Do I regret transition? No, not in the slightest. If anything, the steps I have taken have simply affirmed that I am, in fact, transgender. My life since accepting this has not been easy, and I suspect it will only continue to become more difficult. But there is no longer a shred of doubt that I have perhaps made a mistake.
But God, is it tough sometimes. I don’t want to be alone, left with only my own thoughts to comfort me in this. It’s unfair that I have to be, and that I am left with only this digital outlet to put me to sleep. Everyone’s mileage will vary, but I doubt anyone who takes the journey of transition will emerge with their relationships unchanged, be they friendly, romantic, familial, etc. I’m one of the lucky ones: as of this writing, I still have all those relationships in some form. But they are not the same as they were when I started, and that is a difficult pill to swallow, cheap wine or no.
I’m very tired now, and as stated, more than a little inebriated. I’m not going to go back and read this, and I’m not going to change a word. I may hate what I read later, but authenticity is key. I have but one life to live, and but one story: why dilute it?
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